"Toe Surgery" by Grace Hirsch

Scene 1: The Introduction

Jonah: I should really stop picking at my toes and my fingers.

Addie: (Laughs)

Jonah: D is gonna feel so good that he was right.

Addie: He’s gonna be like “IIII knew it! Aren’t you glad you went in?”

(Nurse enters) Jonah: Alriiiight

Nurse: Alright, so see it was good that you did come in—

Jonah (slightly overlapping): I guess. So... how does this shot work, is what we’re all wonderin.

Nurse: (Laughs) You scared of needles?

Jonah: No, well. Scuse me, needles in the arm, and the butt, and ​now ​the mouth I don’t worry about—

Addie: (laughs) Oh god.

Jonah: But I’ve never had a toe shot.

Nurse: Well your toe is sensitive so you might be a little...

Jonah: I might be a little—

Addie: (laughs as Jonah says this)

Nurse: A little bit more intense than an—

Jonah: And where--where does it go in at

Nurse: Like right around here at the base of your joint, your um—

Jonah: See I told you the knuckle ---

Addie: You said the knuckle, toes don’t have knuckles.

Nurse: Well they’re-- they kind of, like your fingers, they’re just, the uh--these are carpal tunnel heads, those are metatarsal heads. But that’s what we call them the knuckles.

Addie: Gotcha.

Jonah: (Gesturing) So this is called the knuckle.

Addie: No, it’s called a toe bone.

Jonah: (overlapping) The toe’s right here, that’s the knuckle. That’s...(Gesturing)

Nurse: There you go--Yeah, it’s like on your finger.

Jonah: Alright!

Nurse: Yeah, ok you guys are hilarious.

Addie: (at the same time) But it’s not technically called a knuckle, right?

Nurse: No.

Addie: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Nurse: That’s what we call it, is the knuckle, but the medical term for it is not knuckle it’s the metatarsal head.

Addie: That’s what I thought.

Nurse: Yes.

Jonah: Alright!

Nurse: That’s what you guys were in here having a debate about? (​Laughs)

Jonah: Well, we’re, we’re--I’m intrigued by this toe shot.

(Slight pause)

Jonah: She said--what was funny was she said it was gonna burn--

Addie: (laughs)

Jonah: Which is not what I would expect a shot to feel like.

Nurse: Well because the light pain is---

Jonah: It feels like, pokey, but---

Nurse: Because you have a local anesthesia going into your toe--

Addie: (laughs)

Jonah: (looks at Addie and laughs)

Nurse: To numb your toe

Jonah: Wha--yeah, so what does that mean.What’s the local anesthesia--it’s like, it’s gonna make my toe fall asleep.

Nurse: Basically.

Jonah: Ok.

Nurse: So you don’t feel anything with the procedure.

Jonah: But am I--am I gonna be able to watch them pick my toe and not feel it?

Nurse: Yeah--

Jonah: (laughs as she says this)

Nurse: Once it gets numbed up you can watch, I mean if you are ok with watching.

Jonah: I think I’m ok with watching, we’re gonna find out--

Addie: --(laughing) I don’t know if I’m ok with watching!

Jonah: I’m kind of intrigued to see what happens--

Addie: --Oh god.

Jonah: --me not being able to feel the toe, and then, just watching them rip it apart--

Nurse: Well, they’re not gonna rip it apart--

Jonah: --and I can’t feel it.

Addie: (laughing)

Nurse: Yeah they’re not gonna rip it apart, they’re not gonna do your toe like that.

Jonah: Oh ok.

Nurse: Yeah it’s not super bad.

(Short pause)

Nurse: Yeah, so it’s ok, you’ll be fine.

Jonah: Anyone come in here with named toes? That’s what we should do.

Addie: Oh my god, Jonah.

Nurse: (laughs)

Jonah: We should name my toes.

(Silent Pause)

Nurse: Ok so...you’re 17?

Jonah: Yes.

Nurse: How old are you?

Addie: I’m 14.

Nurse: Ok.

Jonah: She can’t be in the room?

Nurse: Well, no, cause you need someone to sign for you who’s an adult.

Jonah: Do you want to sign for me?

Nurse: I mean I’ll ask the doctor but um...yeah you just go ahead and sign and date there (hands Jonah a form) conceding to the procedure.

Jonah: (begins to sign) A procedure, Addie you hear that?

Addie: (Laughs incredulously)

Nurse: That’s what we call it, is a procedure.

Jonah: It is that, with the... toe shot, and the...

Nurse: Mm hm. But you’re gonna be fine, so. It looks like probably you didn’t get all of it, when you did-- do that, you know.

Jonah: Yeah, moral of the story is--

Addie: (at the same time) --Stop going in your toes.

Jonah: --if I’m gonna go in there, and pick my toe nail, I should get all of it out, or just don’t do it at all.

Nurse: Yeah.

Addie: Or just don’t do it at all, I think is the best option.

Jonah: (at the same time) Don’t do it at all.

Nurse: Probably so, yeah...You just come on in and see us for that.

Jonah: Yeah, right.

Nurse: Mm hm. That way you don’t get infected or anything like that.

(Silent pause. Jonah looks into the camera and makes a laughing face, followed by the loud clamoring sounds of medical tools.)

Nurse: So how’s school going for you guys?

Addie: Good.

Jonah: (laughs) Uh, I don’t know, (laughs)... um it is fine, I think.

(Silent pause)

Doctor: Ok.

Jonah: Alright.

Doctor: Do you wanna lay back for the injection, or are you comfortable how you are?

Jonah: I don’t know...I kinda wanna watch the process but I also don’t wanna know when--

(Camera cuts)

End of Scene 1

Scene 2: The Surgery

(Camera shows Jonah’s toe being scrubbed with presumably alcohol pads by the gloved hands of the doctor)

Jonah: --You get an arm shot you wanna like, relax your arm, but you can’t relax my toe!

(Nurse and doctor chuckle)

Doctor: (grabbing needle) Ok you’re gonna feel a cold spring---

Jonah: Uh oh...

Doctor: And then a poke, ok? (pours some kind of liquid on toe) Cool...

Jonah: (undetermined language, something like “hold my toe” but not that?)

Doctor: You ok?

Jonah: Yes? Is it in there?

Doctor: It is. Now it’s gonna burn.

Nurse: You’re doing good!

Jonah: It does feel like a bee sting!

Addie: (laughs)

Jonah: Oh, it feels worse than a bee sting actually.

Addie: (laughs harder)

Jonah: Ooh! It’s like a, it’s like a bee sting, but it’s just like a looong bee sting that you feel.

Doctor: (laughs) It’s a long bee sting!

Jonah: Oh it’s--we’re still going too.

Doctor: Yes.

Nurse: You’re gonna be fine, you’re doing good.

Addie: (laughing a lot)

Doctor: And another little cold spring...

Addie: (continues to laugh a lot)

Doctor: She’s laughing at you! How do you feel about that?

Jonah: I would also be laughing at me, I’m pretty sure.

Doctor: Almost done, ok.

Nurse: You’re doing good.

Jonah: I’m doing good?

Doctor and Nurse: Mm hm.

Doctor: (removes needle) Done.

Jonah: We’re done?

Doctor: That’s it.

Jonah: My toe looks like it’s got like a bubbly thing on it.

Addie: (laughs)

Doctor: Exactly, that’s the medicine in it.

Jonah: Addie that looks so fat.

Addie: I’m not looking at your toe, I’m not looking at your toe.

Jonah: I can’t feel it!

(Jonah and Addie both laugh)

Nurse: So why are we doing this because he’s a minor, he’s 17.

Jonah: Oh should I have said that? That’s my bad, we should of...

Doctor: Uh, do you have um...

Jonah: My dad’s--like, I know what it looks like.

Addie: Oh god Jonah.

Jonah: (Gesturing to Addie) Stop video-ing.

Doctor: Can you call your dad and we’ll get--

(Camera cuts)

End of Scene 2

Scene 3: Parental Consent

(Jonah is on speaker phone with his mom)

Jonah: --an ingrown toenail sort of thing, and um, we’re looking for some oral consent for them to take it out or something.

Mom: (exasperated) Yes.

Doctor: Yes!

Mom: This is my oral consent.

Doctor: Ok, we’re gonna document that you consented, on--on the written consent that he already signed, ok--

Jonah: (Laughs)

Mom: Thank you so much!

Doctor: Since he’s, since he’s not 18. Ok.

Jonah: Bye mom! I’ll see you later!

Mom: Love you! Bye.

Doctor: Yeah why don’t you... oral consent... um can you write your mom’s name--

Jonah: Yes.

Doctor: And then you initial, oral consent--

(Camera cuts)

The End